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MALORY And if you were half as smart as she was, I - ARCHER She wasn't too smart to die from eating chocolate! Was she?! MALORY Exercise terminated! ARCHER Okay, that's lunch then! MALORY Agent performance: unsatisfactory! SHUNK! The lights return to "dungeon" setting. ARCHER That it was creepy and pathetic? Malory lowers the photo, turns her icy glare back to Archer. Malory picks up a FRAMED PHOTO from the table: a (surprisingly tasteful) B/W PHOTO of a slightly younger, NUDE Malory, posing amid silk sheets with her dear departed AFGHAN HOUND, Duchess.

MALORY What is the point of these simulations - ARCHER Crenshaw's arousal? MALORY - if you don't take them seriously?! ARCHER How can I? Between his lame accent and the go-cart battery - CRENSHAW Golf cart! ARCHER Shut up! And speaking of lame, my codename - MALORY Was chosen at random by the ISIS computer! Duchess - Pilot Episode ("Mole Hunt") REVISED RECORDING SCRIPT 3/30/09 3 ARCHER Random?! It was your dog's name! MALORY Ohh, Duchess. She is about 60 and impeccably styled, heels to hair though still beautiful, she radiates an air of steel-clad hardassness. She's watching this from her adjoining office, glaring over her nth TOM COLLINS of the day. The MANHATTAN SKYLINE is visible outside, and one wall has a large TWO-WAY MIRROR, through which we see: MALORY ARCHER, director of ISIS. DUNGEON/CONFERENCE ROOM - CONTINUOUS The "dungeon" is an elaborate mock-up in an office building conference room. SHUNK, SHUNK! Several FLUORESCENT LIGHTS come on. CRENSHAW Listen here, you little - MALORY (O.S.) Son of a bitch! ARCHER Oh, great - CRENSHAW Now you did it. ARCHER Whatever, and would you pick an accent and stick with it? Duchess - Pilot Episode ("Mole Hunt") REVISED RECORDING SCRIPT 3/30/09 2 The "colonel," who is actually CRENSHAW, an ISIS agent (with an American accent) waves a JUMPER CLAMP at Archer's face. ARCHER What, your little go-cart battery? KGB COLONEL Golf cart.

We follow his gaze to a CART which holds a DRY CELL BATTERY, wired to the menacing JUMPER LEADS. KGB COLONEL We heff ways of making you talk. The colonel raises two JUMPER CABLE LEADS, sparks them together. Because you heff information that I want. KGB COLONEL A "good get." (puffs cigar) But not so good for you, Mr. REVEAL: Archer, sweaty and clad only in a tight pair of Daniel Craig-ian boxer-briefs, three puckered BULLET SCARS visible on his lean muscular chest, shackled by his wrists to the wall. KGB COLONEL Known, from Berlin to Bangkok, as the world's most dangerous spy. KGB COLONEL (O.S.) Sterling Archer, codename Duchess.

His cold steel-blue eyes smolder with hatred. You can help Archer Wiki by expanding it.Ī TEASER FADE IN: CLOSE-UP: the ruggedly handsome, sweat-slick face of our hero, Sterling Archer.